Episode 35 - Alligator Composite (1980/2015)

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Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)

When 'Porky's' hit it big in the early '80s, a wave of sex comedies aimed at teens were excreted from every producer in and out of Hollywood. A low budget sex romp was almost guaranteed ROI for anyone wanting to make a name for themselves, so we were "given" films like 'Hot Resort' with Bronson Pinchot. That's not to say that there aren't some genuinely funny moments in these films, but it's like finding a stack of cash in a port-a-potty. You may have come up on top, but you still had to wade through a lot of shit.

The appropriately named 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' was a cover that I had seen plastered in almost every mom 'n pop video store I had been in. What pre-teen wouldn't be excited over naked women busting out of a giant hamburger? Well, I guess kids nowadays wouldn't be interested, but that's for a different blog. Throughout the years, I had wondered if a DVD release of this film was to ever happen, let alone some type of streaming capability via Netflix. Low and behold, a VHS copy happened to be in a lot we had purchased.

'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' tells the story of Russell, a college man whose studies have gone astray due to the copious amount of intercourse he enjoys. The ladies just can't have enough Russell, and it's caused him to be expelled from four different universities. While getting reamed out by his parents at home, a commercial for Buster Burger University appears on TV. Russell enrolls at BBU, and finds himself at the mercy of Drootin, the drill sergeant of making hamburgers. Also, because this movie is full of cliches, Russell also finds himself falling for the Buster Burger heiress, who also happens to be engaged to Drootin. Will Russell overcome his slacker lifestyle? Will he defeat Drootin and get the girl? Find out in 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture"!



Before we continue, please try to enjoy the opening credits of this film:

The absurdity of this movie is summed in the opening credits. The song sounds like a mesh of Bon Jovi and  Bruce Springsteen, while featuring a montage of delicious hamburgers. What a shit show. It's horribly edited, and tells you that Americans are fucking fat and eat a ton of meat. So, here's a view into a satirical take on a franchise restaurant like McDonald's, add a mix of characters from better films and you have 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture'. It's not a bad film by any stretch of the imagination, but in no way is it any good either.

There are really only three standout performances in the entire film, and that is from the lead portrayed by Leigh McClosky, Charles Tyner who plays the founder of Buster Burger and Dick Butkus; just because it's the greatest name ever. In terms of comedy, the film only has a few standout moments, but that seems to be from a weak script. I don't see fault in the actors, but more so in the mediocre script by Donald Ross. Not familiar with the name? Well, unless you were watching a shit-load of 'Murder She Wrote' or 'Small Wonder' that doesn't surprise me. It seems like this was his first break in writing a film script, but he should have put this dud back on the grill.

At the end of the day, 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' will fade into obscurity. There's nothing original in the film, and outside of a few physical gags and one-liners, there is not much to recommend. With a wide array of 80's sex comedies to choose from, you're better off going with a tried and true classic.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Cold Sweat (2010)

For every fantastic foreign film that gets released only a handful make it to the United States. It's unfortunate that these films can't be seen by worldwide audiences, but every now and then a film finds a distributor State side to release it. Sometimes it's a small theater run to a few independent theaters, but, more often than not, those films are released direct to disc without any marketing. Alas, these are the trials and tribulations of being a cult film fan.

Growing up during the infancy of the internet I found new (and foreign) horror films by word of mouth, or by flipping through the latest issue of Fangoria at the local comic shop. In 2012 film fans now have the convenience of the internet, and there are plenty of sites that offer all sorts of coverage on cult films all over the world. The website Twitch introduced me to this fabulous Argentinian film, 'Sudor Frio', or in English, 'Cold Sweat'. I'm not too familiar with the film work of Argentina, let alone what their genre films would be like. 'Cold Sweat' was a combination of so many styles it let itself to be more of a comedy than a horror movie.

The film starts out with a bunch of news footage from the '70s about a radical anti-communist group rioting, and torturing people to gather information. Stealing 25 cases of dynamite from the government the radicals were never heard from again.

Flash forward to present day to a woman by the name of Ali searching for the address of a boy she met on the internet. Accompanied with her friend Roman they together search for Roman's ex-girlfriend, who mysteriously vanished a few days earlier. While waiting outside in the vehicle Roman receives an email from his ex stating that she left the country. Apparently, Ali is some type of computer wiz, and triangulates the sender's IP address this the same location as the boy Ali was to meet. Ali tells Roman that she will go inside to search for his ex, but to wait in the car as back-up.

What Ali doesn't know is that her conversations with the boy online were that of the leaders of the radical group! Now in their 70s the scare tactics used to extract answers have resorted to dousing their captives in nitroglycerin, and sulfuric acid. Ali and Roman will have a challenging night ahead of them if they plan to escape these two geezers alive.

'Sudor Frio' is set apart from a lot of other recent horror releases are the antagonists, one of which is relinquished to using a walker. It immediately takes the film to a very comedic level as most of us would just try to push him over.  While 'Cold Sweat' does offer a wide array of bloody shots the film isn't all about the gore. It's not really a movie that is all that balanced either, which is what I feel is one of the downsides of the film.

The film has a few too many tones, and it's really hard to find that balance between over-the-top and mean-spirited. There are times when the comedy comes through too much, and we're not really in fear for the characters. Other times, the odds are raised increasingly high only to be dropped again. It sets an odd pace for 'Cold Sweat' which makes the plot come to a crawl at points.

Almost all other aspects of 'Cold Sweat' are pretty solid from the acting to the direction. The film is primarily set in one location, and director Adrián García Bogliano utilizes the tight spaces for solid tension throughout the film. The soundtrack was also a highlight as it transitioned nicely between the life on the street, and the terror in the apartment.

All in all 'Sudor Frio'  is decently crafted horror film, but needed to focus on one particular tone to better the overall presentation.  'Cold Sweat' is currently streaming on Netflix, and is also available on DVD from Dark Sky Films.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

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