When Jason and I were walking through a video store, we find a label on a film proclaiming that:
"Warning: This film contains scenes of adult matter and/or graphic violence. No one under the age of 18 may view this film. No exceptions!!!!!"
You would think that it would be a violent, or hyper-sexed film. That warning just screams to rent the film if you're looking for a cheap thrill, or to fulfill your blood lust. That's the type of movie that you'd try to rent when you're 13. I've seen similar labels on films like 'Caligula', 'Toxic Avenger', and 'The Babysitters Club'.
It is pretty impossible to find a movie rental establishment in 2011. However there is one place that is independently owned, and still renting (!) VHS and DVD. Hollywood Express on Mass Ave in Cambridge, Ma has a collection of films ranging from obscure '80s STV (Straight-To-Video), or hard to find classics on VHS. Hollywood Express will be getting a good amount of money from me while I exploit their collection.
Looking for films that I missed during the VHS boom, I came across 'Necropolis' at the video store. This has been a title that has been on my radar for some time, but due to limited availability (only available on VHS) it has been hell tracking this title down. Then, when noting the warning label mentioned above I knew this was a film tailored towards my tastes. Turns out it was one of the worst movies I've seen in some time, but of course one of the funniest.
Old New York was once New Amsterdam. I'm not sure why they changed it; guess they liked it better that way. During the late 1600's a witch named Miss Eva is trying to secure the soul of a young virgin, who happens to be getting married at the precise moment of the Miss Eva's ceremony. It's never really mentioned why Miss Eva has chosen this woman for her soul, but I'm guessing her credit score was better. Or a virgin, better go with virgin. Miss Eva succeeds in killing the woman, but is apparently killed? I say apparently because suddenly the film jumps ahead 300 years, and now she has a motorcycle.
Miss Eva wants a ring that was used in the ceremony. We're not told what the ring is for. She just needs to find it. It has ended up in the hands of a local magic shop proprietor, but the ring has been sold. The shop keep won't say who, but Miss Eva uses his fear of going deaf to torture the answer out of him. She promises to spare his life, and when he gives up the buyer she kills him anyway. She is on the way to a local preacher, who just happens to be the slave from earlier in the film.
The preacher works to help teens get off of drugs, and that's exactly where Miss Eva goes; however there is not a transition scene from the magic shop. Actually, we never really heard the name of the buyer clearly from the shop owner. Now at the youth center Miss Eva tries to seduce the ring out the preacher, but she fails causing her to have a child-like tantrum in the men's bathroom. With that, she's off to another location with no explanation as to what the fuck is going on in this movie. She's now trying to find the couple, who were reincarnated like every other character in this fucking movie, and steal their soul for Satan!
This is one of the most incoherent movies I've ever seen. We go from scene to scene with no transition. After Miss Eva kills a suicide patient at the Rehabilitation Center, she just is suddenly on her motorcycle in the next scene. She wanted the keys to the preacher's safe, but we're to assume that she got it? Then, the male lead walks in front of the magic shop; looking in the window. Then, the next scene is him walking through a beaded curtain to the backroom. What the hell? Is he like Kitty Pride? He can just walk through walls?
The acting is beyond hysterical. Lines are melodramatically over-the-top, and there isn't one actor or actress that has worked through a paper bag. The male lead looks like Al Pacino and Scott Baio had a lovechild, but his fake tough-guy, don't believe in the supernatural, bad cop persona is just lovable. Then there's the witch, Miss Eva. Sure, they wanted to make her this leather-clad biker chick, but it just looks like she got out of an unsuccessful groupie run at the band Poison.
Of course I love bad movies, but this was a tough one. The best scene in the entire damned movie is when Miss Eva grows 6 breasts to feed her demon clan. It's so bizarre, so hysterical that it gives the movie something to remember it by. Other than that Jason and I found ourselves just laughing at the continuity errors, like when the suicidal patient kills himself, he is slumped over in the chair. However when the police come to investigate the scene he is face down on the desk. This is as close to bottom of the barrel as it gets, but it has that '80s charm. With practical effects, and cheesy dialogue the film is not so bad it's good, but so bad it's tolerable. Like babysitting Dennis the Menace.
'Necropolis' is currently only on VHS from Lighting Pictures. The rights are probably buried under Lions Gate Entertainment's back catalog. Perhaps for the best.
*UPDATE* - 'Necropolis' has been released by Full Moon on DVD. You can pick it up over at Amazon for $9.99