'Piranha 3DD' opens this Friday, but where?

When Alexandra Aja's 'Piranha' remake opened in 2010 it was a beautiful thing to behold as a fan of genre films. It was over-the-top, violent, funny and had a solid cast. The film cost roughly $24,000,000 and grossed $25 million domestic with an additional $58 million international. With a pretty solid return on investment, and 73% of critics enjoying the film it was inevitable that a sequel would push forward.

Aja bowed out of directing the sequel, and the chief parties behind the fantastic 'Feast' series were brought on board to bring the prehistoric fish to new ground; a water park. As the film was gearing up production a slew of names were added to the cast list including Gary Busey, David Hasselhoff, David Koechner, and the lovely Katrina Bowden. Returning cast members from the original included Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer and Christopher Lloyd. All of this lead to a lot of excitement from the fans as we were lead to believe that Dimension Films wanted to really up the ante.

Set pictures were released back last spring, but it was a little too quiet on the waterfront. By the time the original November 2011 release date came around the film was pushed back to a June 1st, 2012 date. This makes sense as it is a movie that would sell best in the summer. The first footage premiered last fall during Spike TV's Scream Awards, and from then on we were given numerous photos with a glimpse inside the carnage. Slowly, Dimension has released many behind-the-scenes videos to hype up their release of the film. With a few days away from the National release, I looked to see where this gem of a movie could be viewed near me. Searching both Fandango and Moviefone I found that the closest theater was 156 miles away in New York. I then checked to see how many theaters total 'Piranha 3DD' would hit this Friday, and was shocked and saddened to see only 75 theaters across the country will be screening this genre piece.

This news really isn't all that shocking as the Weinstein's had released plans for a dual VOD (video-on-demand) and theatrical release. This allows for many people who would not necessarily pay to see 'Piranha' in theaters, but would shell out $6.99 at home. It's a smart business decision, but sadly eliminates a core group of fans. There are few event films that cult film aficionados can look forward to each year, and many fan sites were listing 'Piranha 3DD' as one of their most anticipated films of the summer season.

I'm sure that most fans of the original were getting psyched up to see more fish mayhem on the big screen, but it looks like only select territories will get that privilege this Friday June 1st. I'm still going to see 'Piranha 3DD' although I really wanted to experience the event on the big screen. Being filmed in 3D was going to really add to the charm of the film, and the cast looks to be having a blast in the behind the scenes footage. The real shame here is giving films of this type a chance to perform on a national level. The first 'Piranha' did surprisingly well for a little creature feature, and the sequel looked like a blast. I do encourage all fans to seek out the film, but please try to see it in a theater. The more money films of this type get at places like Regal or AMC Theaters will show movie studios that B-movies have a place in the theater right next to the award winners and blockbusters.

Please, think of the children.

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Trash Pile Love Notes: Cannibal Holocaust

There are some films that people choose to never see. Whether it's because of the violence, content or creative teams behind the films, many audiences avoid certain movies like the plague. Recently, we've seen this with films like the expanding 'Human Centipede' franchise, and the controversial 'A Serbian Film.' We hear these rumors of films so foul that they not only disgust you, but really make you hate yourself after. Sounds like exploitation to me.

When I was 13, I used to visit comic conventions around the Boston area. Back in the early 2000's, it was really the only place to find unreleased workprints and other hard to find movies. Soon I began going to conventions to find new movies, as opposed to rounding out my comic collection. Every type of movie was at a young gorehound's disposal for the "low" price of $10 for a bootlegged VHS. I was ecstatic at finding a new film that I had not seen before, but one film changed the way I would look at movies forever: Ruggero Deodato's 'Cannibal Holocaust'.

Sitting in my friend's basement, way too cracked out on caffeine and pot, we watched about 4 of the 8 films we picked up that weekend. It was the first time I saw the bat-shit crazy 'Meet the Feebles', the X-Rated 'Robocop', and, if memory serves correctly, the version of 'Little Shop of Horrors' with the alternate EVERYONE DIES ending. I enjoy all of these films for different reasons, but I had never seen anything like 'Cannibal Holocaust'. Nothing really prepares you for the carnage of a group of filmmakers destroying, raping and killing natives to beef up their documentary. It's baffling that a film with so few likable characters resonates so heavily, but it's in the way the film is constructed that makes it so memorable.

The very first piece to cover on 'Cannibal Holocaust' is how amazing the cinematography of Sergio D'Offinzi is. His work captures a beauty that the plot of the film cannot. The amazonian landscape is shot in a way that feels like a nature documentary, but when matched with the gut-wrenching visuals involving the cast, compliments it rather nicely. There are very few moments that feel like the found footage of the lost documentary crew is fake. Everything looks so genuine that I can understand why Deodato was sequestered to court on the allegations that he killed his cast. If you've convinced the Italian government that you've committed atrocities towards humans, then you must have made an impactful film.

With that comes the conversation of animal violence, which is very real. I do not endorse animal cruelty in the slightest, although I'm going to throw my cat out the window if she's scratches my VHS again. The animals that were sacrificed to the movie gods were also consumed afterwords by the cast and local tribes people. No animal, except maybe the spider (which I'm fine with. I hate those things) was put to waste. I'm sure if you're trekking through the jungle, some barbecued turtle would sound mighty tempting. Condemn it all you want, but it's there for a purpose. If the animal cruelty is something that you don't think you can stomach? Fine. Either don't watch the movie, or look away at those parts. Remember 'It's just a movie'.

The score is another phenomenal piece of what makes 'Cannibal Holocaust' such an amazing film. Riz Ortolani composes such a hauntingly uplifting score that it battles against the gruesome images that Deodato orchestrates. The main theme is one that really stays with you after your initial viewing, with its cheery synth and acoustic guitar. It's one of the scores that when you first see the film might seem out of place, but it really heightens the horror of the action.

Another thing that really makes 'Cannibal Holocaust' stand above most other exploitation films is the message that the film is trying to press. It may seem heavy handed that the real monsters are the ones behind the camera, but it has become more true since the film was originally released. The documentary crew who ventures in the Amazon had always beefed up their previous efforts by faking the events that were happening, or paying armies to execute civilians. Deodato used this as an allegory for the way news outlets world wide would sell violence if it meant ratings. The message rings truer today with the advent of reality television. Violence of all types equals more money for sponsors and TV stations. How long until 'The Running Man' becomes an actual show?

After a recent screening at The Coolidge Corner Theater in Brookline Massachusetts, I was brought back to when a I first saw 'Cannibal Holocaust' almost 15 years ago. Seeing it in 35mm was like seeing it for the first time, and I was also able to bring some new viewers along for the ride. They had heard of the film, but for whatever reasons had decided to not see it. Afterwords they both remarked at how much they really liked the movie. There is a preconception with exploitation and grindhouse films that there is some inherit camp value to the productions, and most of the time that's right. 'Cannibal Holocaust' is not a campy film, nor is it one that is for mainstream audiences. Every found footage film owes a little piece of their creation to this groundbreaking film, and while no academy will ever declare 'Cannibal Holocaust' a Best Picture candidate, the impact of this little exploitation film will be forever imbedded in cinema history.

**No animals were harmed in the writing of this article.**

Cannibal Holocaust from Amazon

The Innkeepers (2011)

When going to the theater nowadays your options for Horror movies is limited. Most of the releases are sequels, or a variation of 'Paranormal Activity'. The sad fact is that the major studios look at Horror films as a blight on their yearly schedule. We get to the January dumping ground when the films get released, they expect them not to return a profit, and then there's October. Thankfully, there are independent studios to give us fantastic original films all year long.

Haunted house films have really gone to shit since Jan de Bont's 'The Haunting' in 1999. For the most part the film is atrocious, but it really fails in the "scares" department. The reason it fails is that the film shows too much. The best haunted house movies are the ones where some of the terrifying images are not even on screen. It's knowing that something could happen at any moment, and the atmosphere of the environment brings the scares forward. All 'The Haunting' had was a bunch of bullshit CGI ghosts, and Owen Wilson getting decapitated.

'The Innkeepers' is a film that I have been keeping an eye on for a little over a year as Ti West is becoming one of my favorite directors since I saw 'The House of the Devil' back in 2009. The term "slow-burn" has been thrown around in regards to how West handles his films, but it's not that. It's that he takes time establishing a character, and allowing for the film to unfold to the horror that is about to happen. Most Horror films tend to unleash a "scare" every 10 minutes because they believe the audience will loose their attention. Ti West seems to have a little more faith in the fans of his films.

The Yankee Peddler is coming up on it's last weekend open, and the staff is getting ready to close down the business. Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy) have been working at the inn for a few years, and have heard tale of Madeline O’Malley, a woman who killed herself in the hotel and is the supposed resident spirit. Claire is fascinated with the legend of the woman, and on this last weekend the Yankee is open, she and Luke look for proof that Madeline is cause of the haunting that has plagued the hotel for years.

Ti West's calling card is allowing the film to move at it's own clip. There will be a few moments here or there that may get you, but the movie jumps right back to being a little lighthearted to offset the scares. Then, in the third act, the film pulls a big turn towards terrifying imagery, spine-tingling audio, and bone-chilling cinematography. All of which are clutch in making a good haunted house movie. The score by Jeff Grace elevates the film immensely in terms of atmosphere, and really makes those creepy moments that much creepier.

If there were any issues I had with the film it's that there are a couple of side stories that just seemed to come out of nowhere. They could be red herrings, but there were some plot points that just disappeared. Other than that, there were very few problems I had with the film. The basic question is, 'The Innkeepers' scary?" For some people yes, it will be. The film builds atmosphere, and when it finally unleashes the scares they're for real. Others will hate how long it takes for the movie to get to those scares, and be frustrated. I'd take the ride, and see how it works out.

'The Innkeepers' is currently in limited theatrical release from Dark Sky Productions. It is also available on VOD from your cable provider, or you can rent from the Amazon link below.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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The Divide (2011)

It's hard sometimes, as a fan of shitty movies, to say that you love shitty movies. When you say you love films like 'Shawshank Redemption' or 'Jaws' most people agree with you. They're well crafted films with great characters, direction, scoring, and almost every other quality most people associate with "good" movies. On the other hand when you tell people you love movies like 'Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry' and 'The Toxic Avenger' people tend to respond "you like that crap?", or "what the hell is that?". It's hard to make recommendations to people when they know you like awful movies.

Xavier Gens' 'The Divide' was a film on a lot of "Best Of 2011" lists, and for those who don't attend film festivals, it was near impossible to see. Thankfully, Anchor Bay Entertainment picked up the rights to this film and put it out for a limited release this last weekend. I caught a midnight screening at The Coolidge in Brookline, MA this past weekend, and I was finally able to see what many critics hailed about.

'The Divide' opens as nuclear missiles fall upon New York City. Residents in a near by apartment complex scurry as the debris from the explosions threatens to bring their building down. Eva (Lauren German) and Sam (Iván González) move down flights of stairs as they pass numerous people screaming for their lives. While a mob gathers at the front entrance another bomb crashes into a near by building, causing the people to disband. A small group of people run towards the basement, where superintendent Mickey (Michael Biehn) has built a bomb shelter. Resisting the group at first, they finally push Mickey out of the way to safety inside. Another group of people come rushing towards the door as Mickey slams it shut, and locks the survivors away from the devastation above.

I could continue on with the story, but anything further than that really takes away the impact of what unfolds. It's not really a Horror movie, nor Science Fiction, or a Thriller but one that works within multiple genres to keep the film moving at a good clip. Many reviewers have cited the film as being bleak, but shit, I mean it's about a nuclear attack. Could there really be many positive outcomes? 'The Divide' is a film that really shines through that bleakness to allow for really captivating performances from the entire cast. This is a film where I found myself glued to the screen at the actions of everyone involved. Seeing their bodies deteriorate from the lack of water and food really gave legitimacy to the story.

There were very few things about 'The Divide' that I didn't like to be honest, but I have the say the score was just ok. What I found particularly annoying about the score was the constant loud droning synth. It was like a 311 song over a David Cronenberg movie; just doesn't combine well. The acting was superb, the cinematography was brilliant, and with the exception of some questionable CGI, the effects were awesome. This is a film that falls out of the norm with what I tend to review on this site, but I cannot endorse 'The Divide' highly enough. It's not a happy film. Nor one that will have an uplifting ending, but it will stick with you. The great performances from Michael Biehn, Lauren German, Milo Ventimiglia and Rosanna Arquette will heighten the tension of those who are forced to survive through horrific conditions.

'The Divide' is currently in limited release from Anchor Bay Entertainment. If you can find it at a local theater I suggest spending your money on a well done original film. Something that we need in this age of remakes, sequels and board game cash-ins.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags.

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Trash Pile Hate Notes: Remakes

There are certain things, as a movie fan, that really piss me off about the way Hollywood ru(i)ns their industry. The tossing away of the professions of special effects, matte painters and stop-motion animators is so depressing. With the surge in computer technology, largely in part to 'Terminator 2' and 'Jurassic Park', everyone found out how easier it is create anything out of some computer code. Honestly though, am I the only one that can still tell that it's CGI? Give me painted backgrounds, latex gore and blood gushing squibs! Now bullet shots are CGI? What? To save time? Give me a fucking break.

Besides my hatred of technology, the thing that has been pissing me off for the past decade or so are Remakes, Reboots, Premakes or any other silly fucking name that producers try to brand their film. Look, there was already an original, and you're crushing the impact that those films can have the first time you see them. It's poor writing, and poor decision making, regardless of how much money your take on the plot rakes in. Let us start for instance, with 'The Evil Dead' remake.

Now while 'The Evil Dead' has limitations in part to the size of the budget. Sam Raimi, Rob Tapert, Bruce Campbell and a whole slew of other people used their talent to create the suspense in that film. The way that the camera careens through the forest, and through the swamp. 'The Evil Dead' is one the best examples in a Horror film where what you don't see is scarier. With today's technology they'll show what is roaming through the woods after one of the kids reads the Necronomicon, and unless they pull a 'Jaws' and not show it until the end, then it's going to get over used and no longer scary. The same can be said for when the rest of the cast starts turning into demons. Odds are they'll do over-the-top CGI transformations and take away from subtle changes that can happen just from over applying some blush. The remake isn't even out, but based on the trends of the past few years, it'll be all style and no substance. Like the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' remake from last year.

'Nightmare on Elm Street' was a film that revitalized the Slasher sub-genre in the mid '80s with adding a supernatural twist into the mix. It too, like 'The Evil Dead', was shot on a shoestring budget. It compensates for it's short budget with a strong script with great characters, and even greater scares. The remake from last year tried too hard to look stunning without utilizing it's premise to the fullest abilities. The dream sequences didn't have the same tension, and they could have used the micro-nap a lot more. Instead they padded the film with the same boring characters from every other Horror film released that year. The film looked great, and Jackie Earl Haley did his best as Freddy, but the film lacked the heart of the original. It's best that the film not try to look so pretty, and be a quick, old-fashioned atmosphere driven scare ride.

I could go on for more time you would care to hear me rant, but there are many other souless examples that Hollywood has excreted out in the past ten years. 'The Thing', 'The Wicker Man', 'Black Christmas', 'Friday the 13th', 'Mirrors', and dozens more are just some of the atrocious retellings of some great American and Foreign Horror. The thing is that there are times when remakes and reboots work, and work well. The best way to execute a proper retelling of a story is to put your personal touch on the piece. With John Carpenter's remake of the 1954 Sci-Fi Classic 'The Thing from Another World!' he went back to the original story by John Campbell. The monster in the '54 version was a plant type monster portaryed by James (Gunsmoke) Arness. Carpenter's version in '82 was the style that the monster assimilated itself to whoever it comes in contact with. I highly enjoy each version for different reasons, but Carpenter's version has so much tension and fear within the cast that you believe everything they're going through. Then the special effects. I could go on for hours, but hands down best ever. Ever.

Maybe these are all just rantings of a crazed movie fan, but I feel that if you're going to try and retell a story do it with heart. Have a strong conviction to the source material, but try to find any way to make it your own. Zack Snyder did it with 'Dawn of the Dead' in '04. Chuck Russell did it with 'The Blob' in '88, and Tom Savini did it in 1990 with 'Night of the Living Dead'. Leave films like 'Suspiria', 'Escape from New York', 'The Monster Squad', 'American Psycho', 'Scanners', 'Creature from the Black Lagoon', 'Child's Play', 'Poltergeist', 'Silent Night, Deadly Night', 'They Live', and probably thousands more alone. Has your creativity dried up Hollywood, or are you too scared to take chances any more? Stop spending your $250 million (pre-marketing) on a 'Battleship' and 'John Carter' movie, and fund 500 $1 million dollar movies. You'll thank me when you get better returns for 2012.

Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990)

Post-apocalyptic movies offer the chance for a writer to really differentiate themselves from other films on the market. Your film can be immediately after shit hits the fan, or you can have it be a few years later when society has fallen into turmoil. My personal favorite film in this genre is John Carpenter's classic 'Escape from New York'. It's one of the director's best works, and solidified Kurt Russell as one bad ass action hero.

The star power that was Corey Haim was dropping faster than living Beatle members, but that didn't stop him from continuing to work. 'Prayer of the Rollerboys' was a film that I found in a local flea market for $2.00. I had never heard of the film before, but shit, look at that cover. A flying V of white trench coat wearing gang members, and starring Corey Haim? Sold.

In a not too distant future America is in debt to many foreign countries, and has been invaded and taken over. The poor and homeless are forced into camps, and the rest scrape by to live and eat. Griffin (Corey Haim) has moved from somewhere back to California with his little brother Miltie. Griffin makes his living by delivering pizzas, but one night destroys the delivery van while freeing a person locked inside a burning house. Turns out that the person was a member of the notorious Rollerboys, a racist gang who distributes the terrifying drug, Mist.

While rollerblading in a garage the Rollerboys come visit Griffin and Miltie. Turns out that the gang leader Gary Lee (Christopher Collet) used to be neighbors with Griffin until their parents were taken away, and put into camps. Now Gary runs the most violent gang on the west coast, and is looking to recruit Griffin up into his gang. The Rollerboys are planning something called "The Day of the Rope" and the cops want to figure out what is going on. Griffin gets roped (hah) into being an undercover agent to discover what is going on with "The Day of the Rope", and stop the Rollerboys once and for all.

I can't believe that I hadn't seen this movie when I was younger. This is the exact type of movie you would find on HBO, Cinemax or Showtime after midnight. Where to start with 'Prayer of the Rollerboys'? Well, the look of the film is halfway decent for a film of its type with desolate gray skies, and the city destroyed. While watching the film for a second time I noted how I felt like I had seen the plot in other movies. Griffin bargains the safety of his brother to become an undercover Rollerboy, and Patricia Arquette is there to be the other set of undercover eyes. Been there, done that. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, but come on, give me something new.

The film isn't really anything special, but it does have some fun moments. Christopher Collet is a pretty good villain, but it's weird to see him as any other character than Paul in 'Sleepaway Camp'. The film looks more expensive than it probably should with impressive cast of extras, and good location shooting. The real downsides of the film are that of the supporting cast. There is only one member of the Rollerboys (besides Christopher Collet) that is a halfway decent actor, and that's Mark Pellegrino of 'Lost' and 'Supernatural'. Every other actor is there to pad or eat the scenery. Then there's the music, which is generic synth drums with distorted guitar chords over it. Think 'Lethal Weapon', but shittier and by Godsmack. So, just shittier I guess.

'Prayer of the Rollerboys' is not going to be remembered for showing Haim's remarkable acting ability, but it's an interesting take on the post-apocalyptic genre. It's interesting to see how the premise of this film relates to some similar trends in our times. The country being in debt, and subsequently being purchased by foreign countries is starting to sound more true. I really hope that this isn't what we're in for though because I sure as fuck can't rollerblade.

'Prayer of the Rollerboys' is available on DVD from United American Video, and VHS from Academy Pictures.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

Prayer Of The Rollerboys (Home Video Trailer) by NakedBrotha2007

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The Abomination (1986)

One of the best/worst things to come out of the VHS boom of the 1980's was the advent of movies Shot on Video (SOV). Independent filmmakers with access to a camcorder would churn out all sorts of genre fare that studios wouldn't produce. It's pretty shitty when you think about it, but you have to go out on your own if you want to make your film. The sad universal truth is that most studios wouldn't touch these movies "with a ten meter cattle prod", to quote Ray Stantz.

SOV Horror movies might be god awful, but that's not to say there isn't a charm to them. While the script and direction are often deplorable, the cinema style of Ed Wood comes to mind. Believing in your story, regardless of what little talent you have. Such is the case with the film 'The Abomination'. I had been exposed to SOV movies for some time now as I had viewed 'Redneck Zombies' and 'Dead Next Door' many times in my youth, but this was a title that hadn't come across my radar. Then I saw copies of the VHS selling on eBay for around or over $100, and wanted to know why the hell this movie was so sought after? Was it some sort of lost gem of the SOV horror genre? Then I got a DVD-r at a Horror convention. Then I found out why they named it.

The film starts out showing all the violent moments that you're going to witness during the opening credits. I guess this was so that we wouldn't have to sit through this awful film. After about 4 minutes of repeated scenes we are thrown into the world of Cody Lee, who is having a lot of problems with his mother. Apparently the doctors say she has a tumor in her lung, and it is inoperable, but she hasn't given up hope. She turns to Brother Frogg, a televangelist who promises to heal those who send in their social security checks. After she places her hand on the TV set during a prayer, she violently coughs up a bloody chunk the size of a biscuit. Saying hallelujah she throws the disgusting heap in the trash, but only to have it grow in size.

Cody comes home after driving around with his friends, for what appears to be 5 hours and goes to bed. The tumor then springs to life, and climbs its way into Cody's sleeping mouth. Cody then starts feeling strange, and discovers that the tumor is some type of monster who devours humans whole. As the tumor starts to multiply Cody must feed the beasts, and let the abomination take over the world!

The one thing that you have to really admire about these independent productions is that they have original stories. That tends to be the only thing to really admire as the acting, direction, script and almost everything else is offensive. It sounds like that they couldn't record any audio while they were filming, so they decided to record the audio in someone's shower. It's louder than a Manowar concert, and the mix is just terrible. It's this that really makes the dialogue hysterical. No actor, a term I use loosely, could act their way out of a paper bag, let alone carry a film. Then, there is the notion that Cody is talking to a psychiatrist at some point during the film, but then it's never revealed who he's talking to, if anyone. Then there is a 4-minute run time of a biblical quote about the abomination. It starts to really cause a migraine after the first minute.

For those of us who just want to see the gore in the movie, well, I'd honestly say find a way to watch the film for that alone. The effects are memorable in their creativity, but overall the film is a fucking shit show. Running all over the place in terms of pacing, acting and direction. The editing choices are mind boggling, but if you're in the mood for one awful fucking movie, then seek out 'The Abomination'.

'The Abomination' is available on VHS from Donna Michelle Productions, but good fucking luck trying to find it. eBay is the best option, but, like I said you're going to have to pay for it. It's best to find a site that distributes DVD-r versions of OOP movies, and shell out $10 instead of $100. Even then, it's probably not worth it unless you're dying to see it.

Rating: 1 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Slugs (1988)

If there's one thing to learn from Steven Spielberg's 'Jaws' it's that producers love to steal ideas. The amount of giant killer animal, and nature takes revenge films that came out after the summer of '75 is absurd. There are some stellar examples of films that understood what their "stories" were, and tried to make the best of it.

As is the case with any sub-genre you're often left with more bad than good. For every 'Orca' there's 'Up From the Depths' and 'Claws'. For every 'Birds' there's 'Frogs' and 'Day of the Animal'. It's a viscous shit cycle, but man do I love me some shitty movies. If you're thinking that the movie 'Slugs' can't really be about giant killer slugs, well, you're right. These are just your ordinary garden slugs, but with one exception; they crave human flesh!

In a small town, like every other horror film, a couple goes out on a boat in the middle of a lake. Suddenly the boy gets pulled into the water by an unseen force. The girl laughs as she thinks it's a prank, but little does she know that her boyfriend is being devoured alive by toxic slugs! She screams as a blood pool floats to the surface.

Town Health Inspector Mike Brady is apparently also the town sheriff, as he goes out to every emergency situation in the entire town. People are dying left and right all in bizarre fashion, and there are always slimy slugs at the scene. Mike takes a live slug to his friend, who happens to be a chemist, or biologist type scientist. Apparently these slugs have been feeding off of toxic chemicals and now have developed an insatiable taste for warm flesh! I could go on, but I highly doubt a movie about killer, man-eating slugs needs much of a plot.

Like many other films on this website, this was a VHS cover I had seen in every video store in the early '90s. I mean shit, look at that cover. That guy has had the rest of him devoured by slugs, and he's still screaming as they devour the rest of his face. That has "Rent Me" plastered all over it. The first time I got around to seeing this film I was shocked to find out that it was a Spanish/American production, and with that, some hysterical dubbing. The acting in this film, regardless of the performer's nationality, is bottom of the barrel. Some real cringe inducing dialogue allows for some real unintentional hilarity.

If you've seen director Juan Piquer's 'Pieces', then you should know the gore factor is at 11. The situations where the characters die are fucking priceless. There's a couple having sex, and then the girl falls off the bed to be eaten alive by the titular slugs. Then the guy falls to his death. We also see a guy whose digested some slug to have a collection of blood worms spew from his eyes while his face melts off. It's one of those times you know if they remade this film that all these effects would be CGI, and that makes me a sad panda. The highlight of the film though is when Mike has to kill all of the slugs, and blows them up in the methane filled sewer beneath the city. Then the town proceeds to blow up killing dozens of unnamed citizens in the explosion.

'Slugs' is one of the pinnacles of bad movies. The dialogue, acting and premise are fucking awful. I mean seriously? Killer slugs? However, if you're like me you live for these ridiculous violent horror movies you'll probably find a lot to enjoy in 'Slugs'.

'Slugs' available on DVD from Image Entertainment.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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C.H.U.D. (1984)

I've only been to New York City once in my life , but if movies have taught me anything it's that NYC is far and away the most dangerous city in the world. Monster and alien attacks, terrorists, serial killers. To quote The Ramones, "New York City really has it all."

If such hideous events unfold on the surface of the Big Apple, then what terrors lay beneath the asphalt? 'C.H.U.D.' is a film that gets better with each viewing. While it's not the most gorgeous looking film, or even the most well constructed it features a solid cast, and reaches into the fear of genetic mutation.

A woman walks her dog down a dark street at night. Right off the bat you know something is going to go wrong. While walking past a manhole she drops her purse, and BAM! A monster claw comes out of the sewer to drag her and the little dog to the hell below.

George Cooper (John Heard; aka the dad from 'Home Alone') is a former fashion photographer in New York who happens to also live with his beautiful model girlfriend, Lauren Daniels (Kim Greist). George has grown tired of the fashion world, and has started writing his own articles; one about a society of homeless living under the streets. The award goes onto heavy acclaim, and George gets constant pressure from his agent for new material. George tells him to fuck off.

Captain Bosch (Christopher Curry) leads a precinct in New York City where a large number of missing persons have been reported. One of these reports comes from A.J. "The Reverend" Shepherd (Daniel Stern; aka Marv from 'Home Alone'), who runs the local homeless shelter. Apparently a lot of the "under-grounders" have not been showing up as of late. Then A.J. drops the bomb.

A test done by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission has been going on down in the sewers; stirring up his customers. It normally runs 2 weeks, but A.J. says it's been going on for 4, and still going on. That's when A.J. shows Bosch some "lost" equipment from the tests; a work boot and a Geiger Counter. Bosch and A.J. travel down to the spot in the sewer where A.J. found the equipment. They happen to turn on the Geiger Counter, and that's when the thing goes off the charts. Then a monstrous roar is heard. It's the C.H.U.D.'s!

So, dedicated reader, I bet you're asking yourself "Hey, Chris? What in the world does C.H.U.D. stand for anyways?" Well, it just so happens that the acronym has two meanings! The first, which is what the movie means is 'Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.' However, turns out the government has been dumping chemicals under the city for years; 'Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal.'

Being a monster movie the costumes are pretty outlandish with glowing eyes, slimy razor claws and necks that get erections! Apparently this wasn't the original design, which was supposed to be much more zombie like. I enjoy the design as it sets the film apart from other movies of the time. With that, the film features some fantastic gore effects from the creature mayhem. Decapitations, disemboweling, limbs severed. Fun for the whole family!

The dialogue and acting are both fantastic. Actors Christopher Curry and Daniel Stern took a turn at re-writing the script and really fleshed out the story. This is a Monster/Sci-Fi movie after all, so obviously my using of the phrase "fantastic" is up to reader discretion. The supporting cast is full of actors you've seen in many other places, and with bigger roles. The best supporting role in the film is that of John Goodman playing a cop who gets slaughtered in a diner. Side note; all three leads have played roles in the 'Home Alone' franchise. John Heard and Daniel Stern in parts 1 and 2, and Christopher Curry in Part 3. 'C.H.U.D.' starts futures people.

'C.H.U.D', to me, is like a fine wine that you have a rather large bottle of. You enjoy it every now and then, appreciating how well aspects of it have aged. For the first time I watched the film with the commentary featuring Daniel Stern, John Heard, Christopher Curry, Director Douglas Cheek and Writer Shepard Abbott. Easily one of the best commentaries you'll find on a movie, it features a cast and crew who are also friends. It's insightful, but it's also fucking hysterical.

'C.H.U.D.' is a B-Movie masterpiece with an original story, a wonderful cast and brutal special effects. With actual locations, and detailed sets that allow the film to offer a real world feel. It is currently available on DVD from Anchor Bay.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space (1985)

The mystique of watching movies after midnight was hugely appealing to me in my youth. Of course everyone raves about Cinemax, but my tastes were left to those stations who showed B-movies ranging from the 1950's to the 1990's. In the early '90s stations like USA, and TNT would have late night horror shows on weekend nights. This is how I would see films like 'The Toxic Avenger', 'Return of the Living Dead', 'The Gate' and many other Horror and Cult movies.

It took me a long time to track down 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space', but I am happy I was able to get a VHS copy of it. As I've said many times before the appeal of watching these films on tape really adds to the charm. One evening in my childhood I remember seeing portions of this movie after my parents had gone to sleep. Like a sore thumb the images of "aliens" zapping teenagers into vegetables was awe-inspiring. I mean shit, even at 26 the concept is still pretty fantastic.

Our story unfolds in the sleepy little town of Mayfield. The school kids all hang out at your a-typical lover's lane, and talk about their lives. Suddenly, like out of a cliche, comes 4 sexy women. It appears these aren't your normal exchange students. In fact, these are horny Vixens from outer space!

There is an issue on their planet however. They have no men, and the only way they can reproduce is by fingering plants. It's pretty gross. During the airing of Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show in 1956 we got the top half of his waist, and the vixen's planet got the lower half. Stealing the boys from all their girlfriends, the Vixen's sexual appetites are not quenched, and begin turning all those in the stand in their way into giant pickles, tomatoes, corn, and even squash!

The film clocks around 72 minutes. They setup the plot right off the bat, and go for broke with horrible dialogue, and even worse effects. This is hilarity in the style of Ed Wood, and it's really that bad. The worst part of the 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space' is that it's really trying to be a parody, but it fails to see that it's become what it wanted to be. It's got awful effects where a man's face starts to bubble, turn orange, and then BAM! He's a fucking carrot.

The editing is awful, but that's what you get for a movie that was made over the course of 4 years. Started in 1981 you can see characters with different hair styles, different heights and even higher voices. The style of hair for some of these actors is just the worst. The female lead, whose name doesn't matter, has Davy Jones bangs and shockingly can't pull it off. It just takes your eyes away from the slight mustache I suppose.

You can tear apart movies like this all you want, but at the end of the day they're just hysterical. Films like 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' would probably not have been as prevalent if it were made by someone less delusional than Ed Wood. It's topical because the guy made well marketed shit, and loved doing it. The charm you find in an Ed Wood film is very present in 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space'. It's not good, but damned if it ain't funny.

'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space' is available on VHS from Continental Video, and DVD from Sovereign Pictures.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

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