Episode 51 - Timesweep (1987)

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Episode 50 - Drifting Classroom (1987)

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Episode 39 - Night Slaves/Cold Night's Death

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Episode 38 - Thunder of Gigantic Serpent (1988)

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Episode 36 - Creature from the Black Lagoon/The Thing

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Episode 28 - Jibber Jabber

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Episode 17 - The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953)

 

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Episode 02 - Long Weekend (1978)

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Radioactive Dreams (1985)

I've always had a fondness for a good post-apocalyptic movie. The different views on what happens after the civilized world fades into distant memory are often as ridiculous as they are fantastical. Most of my favorite ones are where the the premise tends to be towards the former. I like a post-nuke world where it's as absurd as it can get. I guess that's why I prefer 'The Road Warrior' to 'Mad Max'.

Combining different genres can sometimes be both a blessing or a curse depending on how the movie is made. One or two genres isn't hard in the case of horror comedies like 'Shaun of the Dead' or 'Slither', but when you're combining multiple genres it gets hairy. The example would be a film like 'Radioactive Dreams'; a comedy, action, science fiction musical. That description will either have you running to see such a hodgepodge, or ignoring it like a cold sore.

'Radioactive Dreams' tells the tale of Phillip (John Stockwell) and Marlowe (Michael Dudikoff). Two teens that have been in a bomb shelter since there was a nuclear war in 1995. The only education the two have received are from private investigation books, and articles from the 1940's. So, when they exit their shelter 16 some odd years later, they're thrown into the 1980's version of the future. Which means mutants, punks, cannibals, giant rats and a bad-ass New Wave soundtrack. When Phillip and Marlow accidentally wind up with a pair of keys to launch the last two nuclear bombs in the world, every gang is out to get these two dicks.

Now when I said earlier that 'Radioactive Dreams' was a hodgepodge of genres I'm not kidding. It's framed like a film noir, but the absurdity of 1940's detectives on the backdrop of a post-apocalyptic world is too comical. Both main characters Phillip and Marlow play it completely straight, and it's their interactions that provide the humor. Then we have the aspect of the film also being a musical, which to me is what makes the film so unique. With songs by Sue Sadd we're given a soundtrack that both elevates the ridiculousness of the plot, but also sets the film firmly in the 1980's. I am sucker for New Wave and 80's music, but that can limit the audience and may make the film feel a little dated.

'Radioactive Dreams' is a fun time capsule of 1980's cheese. While the overall mishmash of plot points may be a little much too digest at first, with each watch there is more and more to notice. From the fantastic soundtrack, to the ridiculous costume and set design, 'Radioactive Dreams' is a real blast for fans of 1980's cinema. Currently the film is only available on the Vestron VHS in the USA, but there is a rip on YouTube which I've included below. Enjoy and share your thoughts below!


*Update 3/31/16* - After 3 years and multiple watches, I've determined that Radioactive Dreams is my favorite movie of all time. Also, if you can find the Region 2 German DVD by JAM I highly suggest it.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Death Kappa (2010)

The execution of a proper parody is a difficult thing to accomplish. You have to be able to break the fourth wall with your knowledge of the genre shortcomings, while continuing to push the original story ahead. Too many times, we are bombarded with nonsensical pop-culture references that are supposed to represent plot and character development. That's why well loved spoof movies are few and far between.

Kaiju films have been lampooned forever, and, as described above, few are any good. The interesting thing about 'Death Kappa' is that while it was made in Japan, it has all the features of an American edit of a classic Kaiju film. Bad dubbing, special effects and incoherent plot points are only some of the aspects of 'Death Kappa' that are hamming it up.

In Japanese folklore, a Kappa is a mischievous goblin creature who happens to eat cucumbers (hence, Kappa Roll), and loves Sumo wrestling. This is all described in the beginning of the film by an American man with a Japanese name and accent. It sets the comedic tone for the film right off the bat.

'Death Kappa' tells the story of a Japanese pop-star who just couldn't hack it in the busy world of Tokyo, and moves back to the country to be with her one remaining family member, her grandmother. While taking the train back to her home town, the film is interjected with shots of  her grandmother walking with a basket of cucumbers and a group of rambunctious teenagers drinking and driving. Suddenly, out of a cliche, the grandmother is hit by the group of teenagers who speed off, and knock the remains of a petrified Kappa into the ocean (note: the "ocean" was represented by a fish tank).

The Kappa springs to life and dances around with the pop-star and her friends. All the while, a menacing creature is lurking on the beaches killing all in its wake. As the Kappa becomes friendly and dances to the star's music, a menacing figure is lurking around the corner. Are these two connected? What will happen to the Kappa and his friends? Where are the giant monster fights?!

Out of the last two questions presented only one matters:  giant monster fights. The film took the route of parodying two styles of Kaiju films: the family friendly and the classic monster vs monster. What I find to be the issue with 'Death Kappa' is that we are essentially given two separate movies that have to be judged as one. 'Death Kappa' is broken down into three parts: Family Film, Mad Scientist Film and Giant Monster Film. Each one handled differently in terms of what material is being poked fun at, but the jokes are just too forced and stale. From poorly written dialogue to cheesy computer effects, we're trying so hard to follow the story that the jokes are just pelted at us like a monkey throwing its shit.

It feels like the filmmakers really did have an appreciation for the giant monster movies of yesteryear, but with the face paced editing, it made the film feel too modern. The dubbing was atrocious, and it felt too much like the wooden acting was intentional. Sometimes it works, but mostly when the films weren't trying to be funny. The plus sides of 'Death Kappa' though are the costume and set design, which felt very much like a Kaiju film. Solid sculpting works on the monster bodysuits was a fine piece of eye candy, while your brain suffered through the plot.

At the end of the day though 'Death Kappa' is going to be a love it or hate it type of experience. There are a few laughs here or there, but I honestly felt like I was suffering through a lot of it. By the time the monster actually did make an appearance I had already checked out. It's not going to be remembered for anything other than a throwaway parody.

'Death Kappa' is available on Blu-Ray and DVD from Tokyo Shock.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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A Visual Schedule

Here's the selection of films we will be reviewing over the next several months.

First Row: SeedPeople, The Ladies Club, The Sender, Chained Heat, Sky Pirates, Death Machine, Night of the Scarecrow, Mutant.

Second Row: Prisoners of the Lost Universe, Angel, McGinsey's Island, Red Heat, Avenging Force, Unmasked Part 25, RawHead Rex.

Third Row: The Dirt Bike Kid, Fast Food, Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, SpellCaster, Vice Academy 2, The Brain.

 

First Row: Making Contact, The New Adventures of Pipi Longstocking, Night of the Demon, Ticks, Brain Damage, Silent Night Deadly Night Special (1-5).

Second Row: Damned River, The Kiss, Black Evil, Mortuary, Godzilla vs. Biollante, Carnosaur Special (1-3), The Deadly Spawn/Metamorphosis, Maniac Cop Special (1-3).

Third Row: Creepers, Bad Channels, Demon Wind, The Offspring, The Legend of Blood Castle, Head of the Family, Lifeforce, Murder in Space, China Girl, The Lightening Incident.

Fourth Row: The Manitour, Mirror Mirror, Rest in Pieces, Up From the Depths, Junior, Comin' At Ya!, The Boneyard, America, The Rejuvinator.

 

First Row: Terror on Tour.

Second Row: Cast a Deadly Spell, Balloon Farm.

Third Row: Uninvited, Evil Spirits, Survival Quest.

Fourth Row: Spookies, The Kindred, Blood Beach, Never Too Young to Die

 

Comment below with what titles you'd like to see us review on the show.

Trash Pile Top 10: Horror Posters

We as Horror fans are often drawn to films by their artwork. The physical representation of the media more often than not is better than the film. If the movie art was just a steaming pile of shit, and it had the title 'The Abomination' you probably you wouldn't rent it. However, as you can read in my review, a lot of the times the cover will lure you in.

Regardless of the films quality their art was what studios used  to sell the film. If 'Blood Beach' didn't have the fantastic poster to accompany it perhaps it wouldn't be as fondly remembered by those of the video rental era.

To compile a list of the 10 best posters is a tall order. Throughout the decades of filmmaking   there have been thousands of fantastic posters, especially in genre films. From 50's  Creature Features to 80's Slashers, I'll do my best  to cover my favorites from everything.

10. Q - The Winged Serpent (1982) Director: Larry Cohen

As a film 'Q' isn't one of my favorite Larry Cohen features (that goes to 'The Stuff'), but the poster featured above is a phenomenal example of how to sell a movie.

9. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003) Director: Jee-woon Kim

This is an example of when a poster truly captures a film. It is both haunting, and beautiful. Exactly what 'A Tale of Two Sisters' turns out to be in an exemplary tale of family horror.

8. Frogs (1972) Director: George McCowan

It's a movie poster that features a frog with a human hand sticking out of its mouth. Why would you not want to watch that movie?

7. House (1986) Director: Steve Miner

The simplicity in the poster for 'House' is that the basic image of a severed hand ringing a doorbell is so well drawn. Seeing the individual nerves, and the shading on the bone is phenomenal. 

6. I Spit on Your Grave (1978) Director: Meir Zarchi

As with most exploitation films, 'I Spit on Your Grave'  has a very eye-grabbing poster. With text exploding off the page to grab the viewer you're left with the brutal imagery of a woman yielding a knife who has obviously been through some shit. 

5. Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) Director: Jack Arnold

While more people tend to think of 'Frankenstein' or 'Dracula' as the more famous Universal Monsters, there's something about the Gillman. The poster is amazingly drawn, giving movement to Julia Adams' hair, and the oncoming rescue attempt by our films heroes. 

4.  Happy Birthday to Me (1981) Director: J. Lee Thompson

One of the best Slasher posters of all time. Captures the silliness of the film while the text makes you want to see how "bizarre" these murders really will be.

3.  Jaws (1975) Director: Steven Spielberg

One of the most iconic posters of all time. The speed of the shark approaching the swimmer already adds fear just looking at the poster. A great representation of the film.

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) Director: Tobe Hooper

You have to applaud Tobe Hooper and his crew for this hysterical duplication of the iconic 'Breakfast Club' pose. 

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) Director: Chuck Russell

Not only is 'Dream Warriors' my favorite installment in the Nightmare on Elm Street series, it also happens to be my favorite poster of all time. From the colors to the setting to the imagery, I honestly don't think you can get much better than this. 

There are hundreds of other great posters out there, and these are only a select few. As always thanks for reading, and please check out The Trash Pile TV show airing on blogTV every Tuesday at 10:00pm

The Divide (2011)

It's hard sometimes, as a fan of shitty movies, to say that you love shitty movies. When you say you love films like 'Shawshank Redemption' or 'Jaws' most people agree with you. They're well crafted films with great characters, direction, scoring, and almost every other quality most people associate with "good" movies. On the other hand when you tell people you love movies like 'Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry' and 'The Toxic Avenger' people tend to respond "you like that crap?", or "what the hell is that?". It's hard to make recommendations to people when they know you like awful movies.

Xavier Gens' 'The Divide' was a film on a lot of "Best Of 2011" lists, and for those who don't attend film festivals, it was near impossible to see. Thankfully, Anchor Bay Entertainment picked up the rights to this film and put it out for a limited release this last weekend. I caught a midnight screening at The Coolidge in Brookline, MA this past weekend, and I was finally able to see what many critics hailed about.

'The Divide' opens as nuclear missiles fall upon New York City. Residents in a near by apartment complex scurry as the debris from the explosions threatens to bring their building down. Eva (Lauren German) and Sam (Iván González) move down flights of stairs as they pass numerous people screaming for their lives. While a mob gathers at the front entrance another bomb crashes into a near by building, causing the people to disband. A small group of people run towards the basement, where superintendent Mickey (Michael Biehn) has built a bomb shelter. Resisting the group at first, they finally push Mickey out of the way to safety inside. Another group of people come rushing towards the door as Mickey slams it shut, and locks the survivors away from the devastation above.

I could continue on with the story, but anything further than that really takes away the impact of what unfolds. It's not really a Horror movie, nor Science Fiction, or a Thriller but one that works within multiple genres to keep the film moving at a good clip. Many reviewers have cited the film as being bleak, but shit, I mean it's about a nuclear attack. Could there really be many positive outcomes? 'The Divide' is a film that really shines through that bleakness to allow for really captivating performances from the entire cast. This is a film where I found myself glued to the screen at the actions of everyone involved. Seeing their bodies deteriorate from the lack of water and food really gave legitimacy to the story.

There were very few things about 'The Divide' that I didn't like to be honest, but I have the say the score was just ok. What I found particularly annoying about the score was the constant loud droning synth. It was like a 311 song over a David Cronenberg movie; just doesn't combine well. The acting was superb, the cinematography was brilliant, and with the exception of some questionable CGI, the effects were awesome. This is a film that falls out of the norm with what I tend to review on this site, but I cannot endorse 'The Divide' highly enough. It's not a happy film. Nor one that will have an uplifting ending, but it will stick with you. The great performances from Michael Biehn, Lauren German, Milo Ventimiglia and Rosanna Arquette will heighten the tension of those who are forced to survive through horrific conditions.

'The Divide' is currently in limited release from Anchor Bay Entertainment. If you can find it at a local theater I suggest spending your money on a well done original film. Something that we need in this age of remakes, sequels and board game cash-ins.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags.

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Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990)

Post-apocalyptic movies offer the chance for a writer to really differentiate themselves from other films on the market. Your film can be immediately after shit hits the fan, or you can have it be a few years later when society has fallen into turmoil. My personal favorite film in this genre is John Carpenter's classic 'Escape from New York'. It's one of the director's best works, and solidified Kurt Russell as one bad ass action hero.

The star power that was Corey Haim was dropping faster than living Beatle members, but that didn't stop him from continuing to work. 'Prayer of the Rollerboys' was a film that I found in a local flea market for $2.00. I had never heard of the film before, but shit, look at that cover. A flying V of white trench coat wearing gang members, and starring Corey Haim? Sold.

In a not too distant future America is in debt to many foreign countries, and has been invaded and taken over. The poor and homeless are forced into camps, and the rest scrape by to live and eat. Griffin (Corey Haim) has moved from somewhere back to California with his little brother Miltie. Griffin makes his living by delivering pizzas, but one night destroys the delivery van while freeing a person locked inside a burning house. Turns out that the person was a member of the notorious Rollerboys, a racist gang who distributes the terrifying drug, Mist.

While rollerblading in a garage the Rollerboys come visit Griffin and Miltie. Turns out that the gang leader Gary Lee (Christopher Collet) used to be neighbors with Griffin until their parents were taken away, and put into camps. Now Gary runs the most violent gang on the west coast, and is looking to recruit Griffin up into his gang. The Rollerboys are planning something called "The Day of the Rope" and the cops want to figure out what is going on. Griffin gets roped (hah) into being an undercover agent to discover what is going on with "The Day of the Rope", and stop the Rollerboys once and for all.

I can't believe that I hadn't seen this movie when I was younger. This is the exact type of movie you would find on HBO, Cinemax or Showtime after midnight. Where to start with 'Prayer of the Rollerboys'? Well, the look of the film is halfway decent for a film of its type with desolate gray skies, and the city destroyed. While watching the film for a second time I noted how I felt like I had seen the plot in other movies. Griffin bargains the safety of his brother to become an undercover Rollerboy, and Patricia Arquette is there to be the other set of undercover eyes. Been there, done that. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, but come on, give me something new.

The film isn't really anything special, but it does have some fun moments. Christopher Collet is a pretty good villain, but it's weird to see him as any other character than Paul in 'Sleepaway Camp'. The film looks more expensive than it probably should with impressive cast of extras, and good location shooting. The real downsides of the film are that of the supporting cast. There is only one member of the Rollerboys (besides Christopher Collet) that is a halfway decent actor, and that's Mark Pellegrino of 'Lost' and 'Supernatural'. Every other actor is there to pad or eat the scenery. Then there's the music, which is generic synth drums with distorted guitar chords over it. Think 'Lethal Weapon', but shittier and by Godsmack. So, just shittier I guess.

'Prayer of the Rollerboys' is not going to be remembered for showing Haim's remarkable acting ability, but it's an interesting take on the post-apocalyptic genre. It's interesting to see how the premise of this film relates to some similar trends in our times. The country being in debt, and subsequently being purchased by foreign countries is starting to sound more true. I really hope that this isn't what we're in for though because I sure as fuck can't rollerblade.

'Prayer of the Rollerboys' is available on DVD from United American Video, and VHS from Academy Pictures.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

Prayer Of The Rollerboys (Home Video Trailer) by NakedBrotha2007

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C.H.U.D. (1984)

I've only been to New York City once in my life , but if movies have taught me anything it's that NYC is far and away the most dangerous city in the world. Monster and alien attacks, terrorists, serial killers. To quote The Ramones, "New York City really has it all."

If such hideous events unfold on the surface of the Big Apple, then what terrors lay beneath the asphalt? 'C.H.U.D.' is a film that gets better with each viewing. While it's not the most gorgeous looking film, or even the most well constructed it features a solid cast, and reaches into the fear of genetic mutation.

A woman walks her dog down a dark street at night. Right off the bat you know something is going to go wrong. While walking past a manhole she drops her purse, and BAM! A monster claw comes out of the sewer to drag her and the little dog to the hell below.

George Cooper (John Heard; aka the dad from 'Home Alone') is a former fashion photographer in New York who happens to also live with his beautiful model girlfriend, Lauren Daniels (Kim Greist). George has grown tired of the fashion world, and has started writing his own articles; one about a society of homeless living under the streets. The award goes onto heavy acclaim, and George gets constant pressure from his agent for new material. George tells him to fuck off.

Captain Bosch (Christopher Curry) leads a precinct in New York City where a large number of missing persons have been reported. One of these reports comes from A.J. "The Reverend" Shepherd (Daniel Stern; aka Marv from 'Home Alone'), who runs the local homeless shelter. Apparently a lot of the "under-grounders" have not been showing up as of late. Then A.J. drops the bomb.

A test done by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission has been going on down in the sewers; stirring up his customers. It normally runs 2 weeks, but A.J. says it's been going on for 4, and still going on. That's when A.J. shows Bosch some "lost" equipment from the tests; a work boot and a Geiger Counter. Bosch and A.J. travel down to the spot in the sewer where A.J. found the equipment. They happen to turn on the Geiger Counter, and that's when the thing goes off the charts. Then a monstrous roar is heard. It's the C.H.U.D.'s!

So, dedicated reader, I bet you're asking yourself "Hey, Chris? What in the world does C.H.U.D. stand for anyways?" Well, it just so happens that the acronym has two meanings! The first, which is what the movie means is 'Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers.' However, turns out the government has been dumping chemicals under the city for years; 'Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal.'

Being a monster movie the costumes are pretty outlandish with glowing eyes, slimy razor claws and necks that get erections! Apparently this wasn't the original design, which was supposed to be much more zombie like. I enjoy the design as it sets the film apart from other movies of the time. With that, the film features some fantastic gore effects from the creature mayhem. Decapitations, disemboweling, limbs severed. Fun for the whole family!

The dialogue and acting are both fantastic. Actors Christopher Curry and Daniel Stern took a turn at re-writing the script and really fleshed out the story. This is a Monster/Sci-Fi movie after all, so obviously my using of the phrase "fantastic" is up to reader discretion. The supporting cast is full of actors you've seen in many other places, and with bigger roles. The best supporting role in the film is that of John Goodman playing a cop who gets slaughtered in a diner. Side note; all three leads have played roles in the 'Home Alone' franchise. John Heard and Daniel Stern in parts 1 and 2, and Christopher Curry in Part 3. 'C.H.U.D.' starts futures people.

'C.H.U.D', to me, is like a fine wine that you have a rather large bottle of. You enjoy it every now and then, appreciating how well aspects of it have aged. For the first time I watched the film with the commentary featuring Daniel Stern, John Heard, Christopher Curry, Director Douglas Cheek and Writer Shepard Abbott. Easily one of the best commentaries you'll find on a movie, it features a cast and crew who are also friends. It's insightful, but it's also fucking hysterical.

'C.H.U.D.' is a B-Movie masterpiece with an original story, a wonderful cast and brutal special effects. With actual locations, and detailed sets that allow the film to offer a real world feel. It is currently available on DVD from Anchor Bay.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space (1985)

The mystique of watching movies after midnight was hugely appealing to me in my youth. Of course everyone raves about Cinemax, but my tastes were left to those stations who showed B-movies ranging from the 1950's to the 1990's. In the early '90s stations like USA, and TNT would have late night horror shows on weekend nights. This is how I would see films like 'The Toxic Avenger', 'Return of the Living Dead', 'The Gate' and many other Horror and Cult movies.

It took me a long time to track down 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space', but I am happy I was able to get a VHS copy of it. As I've said many times before the appeal of watching these films on tape really adds to the charm. One evening in my childhood I remember seeing portions of this movie after my parents had gone to sleep. Like a sore thumb the images of "aliens" zapping teenagers into vegetables was awe-inspiring. I mean shit, even at 26 the concept is still pretty fantastic.

Our story unfolds in the sleepy little town of Mayfield. The school kids all hang out at your a-typical lover's lane, and talk about their lives. Suddenly, like out of a cliche, comes 4 sexy women. It appears these aren't your normal exchange students. In fact, these are horny Vixens from outer space!

There is an issue on their planet however. They have no men, and the only way they can reproduce is by fingering plants. It's pretty gross. During the airing of Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show in 1956 we got the top half of his waist, and the vixen's planet got the lower half. Stealing the boys from all their girlfriends, the Vixen's sexual appetites are not quenched, and begin turning all those in the stand in their way into giant pickles, tomatoes, corn, and even squash!

The film clocks around 72 minutes. They setup the plot right off the bat, and go for broke with horrible dialogue, and even worse effects. This is hilarity in the style of Ed Wood, and it's really that bad. The worst part of the 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space' is that it's really trying to be a parody, but it fails to see that it's become what it wanted to be. It's got awful effects where a man's face starts to bubble, turn orange, and then BAM! He's a fucking carrot.

The editing is awful, but that's what you get for a movie that was made over the course of 4 years. Started in 1981 you can see characters with different hair styles, different heights and even higher voices. The style of hair for some of these actors is just the worst. The female lead, whose name doesn't matter, has Davy Jones bangs and shockingly can't pull it off. It just takes your eyes away from the slight mustache I suppose.

You can tear apart movies like this all you want, but at the end of the day they're just hysterical. Films like 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' would probably not have been as prevalent if it were made by someone less delusional than Ed Wood. It's topical because the guy made well marketed shit, and loved doing it. The charm you find in an Ed Wood film is very present in 'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space'. It's not good, but damned if it ain't funny.

'Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space' is available on VHS from Continental Video, and DVD from Sovereign Pictures.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Galaxy of Terror (1981)

The blending of Science-Fiction and Horror is one of my favorite genres in film. Often times the results are horrendous, but the films have a charm about them. The way the cast interacts with the special effects, the way the director uses his crew to get the most atmosphere out of a shot. There are times when the films work fantastically; 'The Thing' (1982), 'Event Horizon'(1997), 'The Blob' (1988), and of course 'Alien' (1979) have proven to be very well executed genre films.

The movies mentioned above though have a thread in common; budgets. They can pull off fantastic effects which will dazzle the audience. Low budget features, like those from Roger Corman, try a little bit harder to get your video dollars. 'Galaxy of Terror' was a film I've only heard bits and pieces of over the years. I knew it had a decent cast, and the infamous worm scene was well discussed, but other than that the film was foreign to me.

The film opens with on a blue planet, with blue lettering for the credits. You can't read who's in it without glasses, so you know that it's not the most important. Some random person is killed by an unseen force aboard what is apparently a spaceship. It all happens so randomly and quickly it's hard to gauge what's going on. We're then thrust into what is apparently a Galactic conference of some sort with a witch, and some guy whose head looks like a lava lamp. Lava Lamp Head is apparently known as the Planet Master and rules over the fates of those in the Galaxy. Apparently he requests a team sent to the blue planet, Morganthus.

A team including Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), Mr. Hand (Ray Walston), Captain Spalding (Sid Haig), and other body-bags enter the spaceship blasting off to the planet Morganthus. Their mission is the look for any survivors of a previous excursion, but there seems to be some devious characters aboard the vessel. The Commander is a little old for a field mission, and there's a cook. Apparently, machines normally make the food on spaceships, so a human doing it is tipping some of the crew towards interference from a government figure.

The crew is pulled down to the planet by an unknown force. Once the team lands a party is sent out to look for the missing crew members. On the crashed ship the crew finds that the missing parties are horribly butchered. Apparently when bodies of dead people are found in this future they're destroyed with a blaster because every body except one explodes when shot. A crew member lags behind after samples are collected, and soon has his head ripped back by some sort of cricket looking thing. From here the crew investigates the barren planet, but it appears that Morganthus is hiding more below it's surface.

The basic premise of 'Galaxy of Terror' is that your fears become real, and can kill you. Apparently the planet is some sort of testing ground for a new Planet Master. I really doubt I spoiled this film for you with that, but I felt that you should know exactly what's going on because even at the end of the film it's still kind of unclear. The film was beyond entertaining, and was filled with memorable moments. There's a scene where a man's severed arm throws a blade to kill him; a scene where a mammoth worm rapes and kills a woman, and not one but TWO Robert Englunds for your dollar.

The acting is what you tend to get from a late '70s, early '80s Roger Corman fare. It's cheesy, but there are actors who really like their material. Sid Haig ('House of 1,000 Corpses') asked to have almost all of his lines removed, and played the role mute except for one line. Robert Englund is just as awesome as ever, but his character's fate is never resolved; he just sort of stops being discussed about 15-minutes from the end. Then there is the always fantastic Ray Walston who most will recognize as the strict Mr. Hand from 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High'.

The look of the film is like most 'Alien' clones, but to be honest that works for me. It's all about how you film the corridor scenes to build the atmosphere. You need to feel trapped along with the characters to really showcase the fear, and thankfully the scenes here are filled with dread. Then there is the fact that a young James Cameron worked on 'Galaxy of Terror' as Production Designer and Second Unit Director. It seems that the suits were so impressed with his knack for low-cost solutions that it helped his career to what we know today.

The negative aspects of 'Galaxy of Terror' involve the fact that you're never really sure what the fuck is going on, and then the ending just sort of happens. It really takes the awesome down a huge amount as you're left scratching your head bloody and raw. There are a lot of 'Alien' clones on the market, but I found 'Galaxy of Terror' to be pretty well executed for a low-budget feature. The actors seem to enjoy their roles, and the set design and effects bring the film above your typical cheap cult films.

'Galaxy of Terror' is currently available on DVD and Blu-Ray from the Shout! Factory.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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Critters (1986)

Some say that imitation is the best form of flattery; others call it plagiarism. Either way, imitation has led to some horrendous rip-offs and inspired variations. For every 'Friday the 13th' there's 'House of Death'. 'Godzilla' and 'Gorgo'. George Romero's 'Dawn of the Dead' is responsible for almost 80% of zombie films from 1978 to 1983.

Then there are the films that claim they were written prior to those films. The film 'Critters' is one of them. I mean sure, you can try to cover your ass but I mean come on. If Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante's 'Gremlins' wasn't a hit at the box office I'm pretty sure New Line wouldn't have financed the film. That's the Hollywood machine sadly. What film is your film like, and how much money did that film make? With 'Gremlins' doing $148 million, that is more than enough convincing for studios to finance cheap films about dangerous little creatures. 'Hobgoblins' , 'Troll', and 'Munchies' are just some of the bastardized offspring of 'Gremlins'. 'Critters' on the other hand, was a well done variation.

An asteroid flies aimlessly through space, but this is no ordinary asteroid. It is a prison designed to hold the most vicious aliens in the solar system. Apparently the most notorious, the Crites, have been captured. Of course, as this is mere minutes into the movie the Crites break loose and escape the prison with a stolen space ship. This floating mass (similar to Mojo from the X-Men comics) hires two faceless bounty hunters, whose assignment is to track down the Crites at all cost.

Meanwhile, in a rural Kansas town on Earth, a family by the name of Brown works on their farm to make a living. Daughter April (Nadine Van der Velde) is trying to get in the bathroom before school, but her brother Brad (Scott 'Grimey' Grimes) is taking his time. The typical family bickering continues until a phone call for April comes in, and it's Steve from school. Jay (Billy Green Bush), the patriarch of the family, is concerned that his daughter might not be aware of how everything, you know, works down there. His wife Helen (Dee Wallace Stone) informs him that she's known for years.

Farm handyman Charlie (Don Keith Opper) is the town drunk. It's so bad that he's even got a room setup in one of the jail cells. Harv (M. Emmet Walsh) the town sheriff tells Charlie he better get his ass in motion if he wants to keep his job. Charlie keeps on his story about how he can hear alien transmissions through is teeth, and that it ruined his chances at the pros. Charlie shows up for work, but is distracted by Brad and his homemade fireworks. When Brad's slingshot breaks and Charlie attempts to fix it. April comes home in Steve's (Billy Zane) car, and Jay tries his best to introduce himself. In testing the slingshot, Charlie misses a tin can and hits April in the ass. Brad takes the fall for Charlie, and is sent to his room without dinner. He learned his lesson; never take the blame for a drunk.

Meanwhile, in space, the bounty hunters have traced the Crites to Earth and begin finding a way to transform their play-doh faces into human bodies. The first, by the name of Ugg (Terrence Mann) searches through history for a body to duplicate, and comes across '80s rocker Johnny Steele (also played by Mann). Taking the look of a flammable rock god, in spandex, Ugg waits for his partner to transform. He's being picky, and can't find any one person over a thousand years to look like.

Night falls on the Brown farm as the family, subtract Brad/add Steve, gather for dinner. April is obviously hot to trot as she's all up on Steve's crotch under the table. She grabs Steve to go for a "drive", which is code to go fuck in the barn. Jay brings his punished son some food, and confiscates Brad's slingshot. All of the sudden the Crites ship lands on their yard, and start on the prowl for food. After devouring a cow the Crites aim towards the town, and the Brown family home. Will the bounty hunters be able to save the family in time, or will they have to defend the planet themselves?

For this viewing of 'Critters' I was able to view one of the few remaining 35mm prints at The Coolidge Corner Theater. This film was another staple for many young horror viewers as it was PG-13, and could be seen by a studio's biggest demographic; teens. Then with that, video rental and cable brought the film to a whole new generation. One of my favorite things about 'Critters' is how the film finds great moments to add humor into the script. Whether it be from the Crites themselves, or from the town folks there are many moments to lighten to mood.

The main attraction in films like 'Critters' and 'Gremlins' are the special effects. How the creatures interact with the human players is clutch. If the movements are too jerky the effect looses credibility with the audience. The effects in 'Critters' are pretty fun, but not really packing the WOW factor you had from the effects of 'Gremlins'. The Crites are about ankle high, but are like piranha on crack. A pack of four can devour a cow in under ten minutes, and strip a human clean in under five. I enjoy the effects of the Chiodo Brothers (they also directed, and did the effects for 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'), but I'm not really scared of the Crites. I feel like I can kick them pretty easily, or at the very least burn them with a cigarette and hairspray.

The script contains the typical family pitfalls. Brother and sister rivalry. The father trying to accept his son. The mother trying to hold on to everything. It's all pretty run of the mill, and the acting does help with the cliches. Dee Wallace Stone is in my opinion just as likable here as she was in 'E.T.', and I'm always a fan of M. Emmet Walsh. Billy Zane in one of his first rolls is just there to be Critter bait, and his death is only slightly memorable for some chomped fingers and munched guts.

'Critters' may be a product of the '80s, but there are elements that hold up well for today. It's campy, and fun. A time capsule into when special effects involved material and hand, not a computer. I do recommend 'Critters', but it's more of a last on the list type of movie. While entertaining, the film doesn't really pack too big of a punch action wise. There are a few parts where the threat of eight Crites isn't as menacing as it should have been. 'Critters' spawned a slew of sequels. The second film, 'The Main Course', is my favorite of the series. The body count is higher, and more time to showcase the Crites in action. The third features Leonardo DiCaprio, and it's pretty shitty. However, it's not as shitty as 'Critters 4'. The Crites attacking a spaceship, and there is a marine with a huge drug problem trying to fight them. It's pretty bad.

'Critters' is available on DVD from New Line Cinema, and is also available in a box set with all four films.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 Trash Bags

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The Quest (1986)

I'm a sucker for a good family friendly movie. Films like 'The Sandlot', 'The Goonies' and 'Ernest Scared Stupid' have all been watched by me at some point this year. I know I'm a pompous asshole (I have a blog), but I really do think family films have gone to hell. There was a time that films aimed towards families didn't have to rely on 3D, or computer generated effects to hold the audience's attention. I don't really blame that on anyone. That's just moving through the times. Your grandparents were right guys; everything really was better when you were kids.

Obviously, some films really stick with you when you're a kid. You watch them until the tape breaks (or for you youngings; the DVD was scratched), and unless you were able to record the film off of cable, you might not see that movie again for a long time. As was the case with Brian Trenchard-Smith's 'The Quest', or as it was known it Australia 'Frog Dreaming', or as it was known in the UK 'The Go-Kids'. I always find it funny that they have to name it something different depending on where the film was released. For instance 'Boogie Nights' roughly translates to 'His Great Device Makes Him Famous' in Chinese. Look it up.

A pond sits still at the bottom of a quarry as a man drifts lazily in a canoe. Suddenly the windmill starts spinning without the assistance of mother nature's farts. The blades spin faster and faster as violent bubbles emerge to the surface. The man violently paddles towards shore as the waves become intense from what stirs below the surface. As he climbs to land a creature breaks the surface causing the man the die in shock. The lake returns peaceful as the blades of the windmill slow to a halt.

Enter a kid named Cody ('E.T.'s Henry Thomas) who is working on a device that will connect his bike with the local railroad track, to break the record of train station to school in 3 minutes. Cody's parents died in America, so he is living with his uncle Gaza (Tony Barry) in Australia. While on his way to beat the record a local passenger car comes, and knocks him of the track.
Rushing to his side would seemingly be his girlfriend, although that was never really discussed. Apparently, Cody is a real rebel, but with that, quite smart for his age. Cody, his maybe-girlfriend and her sister go out for a picnic in Devil's Knob, a park with the mysterious quarry-monster that you read above. The three find the quarry, and find themselves experiencing the same phenomena as earlier. The three don't die, but instead find the body of the man who died before. What is the creature that lurks in the lake? Cody is determined to find out, and will go far into the realm of Aboriginal myth to understand what is simply known as "Donkegin".

What really brought me to the movie was the way that B.T.S. (Brian Trenchard-Smith) beautifully shot the location in Mount Eliza, Victoria. This was my first venture into the catalog of B.T.S., but it hasn't been the last. 'Leprechaun 3', 'Escape 2000', 'Night of the Demons 2', 'Dead End Drive-In'. His use of color is what really makes a lot of his films shine through, and is able to get humor in the madness that he unfolds. With him again is composer Brian May who has done a good chunk of B.T.S.'s films. The film is up to par with May's other work, and greatly uses a good array of instruments to heighten the tension at the quarry.

Henry Thomas seems more rigid here then he was 4 years prior in 'E.T.'. With the little emotion he shows his character seems focused on only one goal; discovery. Never really caring about anything else, so we never see him really enjoy his surroundings. Maybe he subconciously hates it. The kid's spirit though reminded me of Indiana Jones, Johnny Quest and Sherlock Holmes rolled into one completely awesome adventure burrito. This is one boy adventurer that would make Dr. Jonas Venture proud. The rest of the cast does their part well, but it's not really about the acting and about what lurks below the surface.

The biggest fault in 'The Quest' is the action, or lack there of. The cover promises (two of the three covers, anyway) that this kid is going to get in some serious shit. Doesn't happen, and instead we're given only 3 action sequences and the best is the reveal towards the end of the film. Don't get me wrong I enjoy 'The Quest' a lot, but it's that I find enjoyment in Cody's adventure to learn about the happenings at Donkegin Hole. That can't be all the film needs more than just this to really hit home with most viewers. I understand that it's a movie aimed towards kids, but you should add risks to the story by adding more action sequences. While Cody searches the outback we are never really worried about his safety. There is no threat, and with that, it is hard to buy that Cody is this fucking bad-ass adventurer when he has nothing playing against him.

This is a fun and basic family film. While the story might not be as action packed as the cover would suggest, it's still a decently acted, well directed and scored movie. At the end of the film you realize the world is a big place, and there are many things that we'll never be able to understand. 'The Quest' is not available on DVD. There were a few separate VHS releases in 1986 from Charter Entertainment, and 2000 from Anchor Bay Entertainment.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Trash Bags

 

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