Radioactive Dreams (1985)

I've always had a fondness for a good post-apocalyptic movie. The different views on what happens after the civilized world fades into distant memory are often as ridiculous as they are fantastical. Most of my favorite ones are where the the premise tends to be towards the former. I like a post-nuke world where it's as absurd as it can get. I guess that's why I prefer 'The Road Warrior' to 'Mad Max'.

Combining different genres can sometimes be both a blessing or a curse depending on how the movie is made. One or two genres isn't hard in the case of horror comedies like 'Shaun of the Dead' or 'Slither', but when you're combining multiple genres it gets hairy. The example would be a film like 'Radioactive Dreams'; a comedy, action, science fiction musical. That description will either have you running to see such a hodgepodge, or ignoring it like a cold sore.

'Radioactive Dreams' tells the tale of Phillip (John Stockwell) and Marlowe (Michael Dudikoff). Two teens that have been in a bomb shelter since there was a nuclear war in 1995. The only education the two have received are from private investigation books, and articles from the 1940's. So, when they exit their shelter 16 some odd years later, they're thrown into the 1980's version of the future. Which means mutants, punks, cannibals, giant rats and a bad-ass New Wave soundtrack. When Phillip and Marlow accidentally wind up with a pair of keys to launch the last two nuclear bombs in the world, every gang is out to get these two dicks.

Now when I said earlier that 'Radioactive Dreams' was a hodgepodge of genres I'm not kidding. It's framed like a film noir, but the absurdity of 1940's detectives on the backdrop of a post-apocalyptic world is too comical. Both main characters Phillip and Marlow play it completely straight, and it's their interactions that provide the humor. Then we have the aspect of the film also being a musical, which to me is what makes the film so unique. With songs by Sue Sadd we're given a soundtrack that both elevates the ridiculousness of the plot, but also sets the film firmly in the 1980's. I am sucker for New Wave and 80's music, but that can limit the audience and may make the film feel a little dated.

'Radioactive Dreams' is a fun time capsule of 1980's cheese. While the overall mishmash of plot points may be a little much too digest at first, with each watch there is more and more to notice. From the fantastic soundtrack, to the ridiculous costume and set design, 'Radioactive Dreams' is a real blast for fans of 1980's cinema. Currently the film is only available on the Vestron VHS in the USA, but there is a rip on YouTube which I've included below. Enjoy and share your thoughts below!


*Update 3/31/16* - After 3 years and multiple watches, I've determined that Radioactive Dreams is my favorite movie of all time. Also, if you can find the Region 2 German DVD by JAM I highly suggest it.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Trash Bags

IMDB Page

Wikipedia Page

Amazon Page

Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)

When 'Porky's' hit it big in the early '80s, a wave of sex comedies aimed at teens were excreted from every producer in and out of Hollywood. A low budget sex romp was almost guaranteed ROI for anyone wanting to make a name for themselves, so we were "given" films like 'Hot Resort' with Bronson Pinchot. That's not to say that there aren't some genuinely funny moments in these films, but it's like finding a stack of cash in a port-a-potty. You may have come up on top, but you still had to wade through a lot of shit.

The appropriately named 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' was a cover that I had seen plastered in almost every mom 'n pop video store I had been in. What pre-teen wouldn't be excited over naked women busting out of a giant hamburger? Well, I guess kids nowadays wouldn't be interested, but that's for a different blog. Throughout the years, I had wondered if a DVD release of this film was to ever happen, let alone some type of streaming capability via Netflix. Low and behold, a VHS copy happened to be in a lot we had purchased.

'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' tells the story of Russell, a college man whose studies have gone astray due to the copious amount of intercourse he enjoys. The ladies just can't have enough Russell, and it's caused him to be expelled from four different universities. While getting reamed out by his parents at home, a commercial for Buster Burger University appears on TV. Russell enrolls at BBU, and finds himself at the mercy of Drootin, the drill sergeant of making hamburgers. Also, because this movie is full of cliches, Russell also finds himself falling for the Buster Burger heiress, who also happens to be engaged to Drootin. Will Russell overcome his slacker lifestyle? Will he defeat Drootin and get the girl? Find out in 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture"!



Before we continue, please try to enjoy the opening credits of this film:

The absurdity of this movie is summed in the opening credits. The song sounds like a mesh of Bon Jovi and  Bruce Springsteen, while featuring a montage of delicious hamburgers. What a shit show. It's horribly edited, and tells you that Americans are fucking fat and eat a ton of meat. So, here's a view into a satirical take on a franchise restaurant like McDonald's, add a mix of characters from better films and you have 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture'. It's not a bad film by any stretch of the imagination, but in no way is it any good either.

There are really only three standout performances in the entire film, and that is from the lead portrayed by Leigh McClosky, Charles Tyner who plays the founder of Buster Burger and Dick Butkus; just because it's the greatest name ever. In terms of comedy, the film only has a few standout moments, but that seems to be from a weak script. I don't see fault in the actors, but more so in the mediocre script by Donald Ross. Not familiar with the name? Well, unless you were watching a shit-load of 'Murder She Wrote' or 'Small Wonder' that doesn't surprise me. It seems like this was his first break in writing a film script, but he should have put this dud back on the grill.

At the end of the day, 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture' will fade into obscurity. There's nothing original in the film, and outside of a few physical gags and one-liners, there is not much to recommend. With a wide array of 80's sex comedies to choose from, you're better off going with a tried and true classic.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Trash Bags

IMDB

Amazon Page

Wikipedia Page

Slashing the Options: The Future of 'Friday the 13th'

News broke earlier today that the rights for 'Friday the 13th' and its antagonist Jason Voorhees have reverted back from New Line/Warner Brothers to Paramount Studios in exchange for Chris Nolan's new film, 'Interstellar'. Now the speculation comes as to what will happen with Camp Crystal Lake. The last rumors floating around were to set the next installment during winter, and possibly have it be a found footage film. These are intriguing ideas, sure, but here are some ideas on how I think Paramount should handle the franchise they buried years ago.

1. Up the Gore:

While the 2009 reboot wasn't a bad film there just wasn't much balls behind it. Sure, there were trickles of what made this franchise so special to the fans, but it just felt like a watered down rip-off. The biggest downside, to me, about the '09 offering was that the kills, while vicious, weren't to the level we had seen in previous entries.

Sure, there was a call back to the sleeping bag death from 'New Blood', and the bear trap was an excellent choice of weapon, but this is JASON FUCKING VOORHEES we're talking about here. He should not be moping around in underground caverns. He should be slow walking while cracking dudes in half, crushing skulls to a pulp or some other wacky means of dispatching his victims.

For most fans, the special effects in this series are a highlight, and that was the biggest downside in the '09 remake. To Paramount, I say: don't be afraid to show the gore. You pussied out with 'New Blood' by trimming the violence, so here's your chance to make up for it.

2. Keep the Setting at Camp Crystal Lake:

Another downside from the '09 version was that we weren't at Camp Crystal Lake long enough. This is probably one of the most iconic locations in horror history, and all we get is a glimpse of a broken down camp. Take a note from the original film, and have a group of people trying to re-open the camp to the public. Hell, do one better and follow 'Jason Lives' with the camp being open AND in session.

This will add for huge tension with a plethora of bodies for Mr. Voorhees to mow down, and at the same time give us a chance to see humanity amongst our protagonists. There are parts in 'Jason Lives' where we see the counselors looking after and enjoying the company of the children attending camp. This adds to the character development as while they may not be the best people (pre-marital sex, drug use, drinking, etc.), it at least shows us that there are redeeming qualities. This will make their deaths that much more impactful.

3. Embrace the Past: 

While there were nods to the original series in the Platinum Dunes reboot, it just didn't really fit the cannon of the franchise. It was too mean spirited, whereas the other entries at least had a sense of fun to them; kind of like a theme park ride. Perhaps the best way to reboot the franchise is to set it in the 80s? I doubt Paramount would want to do this, but it would be a fun way to be meta about the series while still creating an original storyline.

4. Casting:

If there's one name (outside of Sean Cunningham) that is synonymous with 'Friday the 13th', it's Kane Hodder. Kane played Jason from Part VII to Part X, and is who fans know and love as the hockey masked slasher. I have my gripes about the '09 reboot, but Derek Mears portrayed Jason rather well. What I think, and this is a long shot, is to cast both in the film. Not having dual Jasons running around, but either have Mears portray Jason again or Kane, but have BOTH in the film. It should be littered with a who's who of Friday stars, and, more importantly, show that the studio is creating a film for the fans.

5. Plot: 

If there's one thing that has been missing amongst the Friday franchise over the years, it has been Jason's arch-rival; Tommy Jarvis. Portrayed original by Corey Feldman, then John Shepherd until finally being played by Thom Mathews in 'Jason Lives'. The Tommy and Jason relationship is the equivalent of Nancy vs. Freddy. There's something to be said about a character with a history, and since 'Jason Lives', all we've had is Jason mowing down teen after teen. I mean sure, that's really what this series is about, but there is a rich history between these two that should be continued.


There are probably a dozen or so other points I would tell Paramount to take in their re-acquisition of this beloved franchise, but the clock is ticking. The deal with Warner Brothers states that within FIVE YEARS there must be another entry made, or the rights will revert. My concern is that we'll get a cookie cutter entry that doesn't really serve the series justice, but I could just be talking out of my ass.

What are your thoughts? Do you think Paramount will show this franchise love after manhandling it for decades? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Death Kappa (2010)

The execution of a proper parody is a difficult thing to accomplish. You have to be able to break the fourth wall with your knowledge of the genre shortcomings, while continuing to push the original story ahead. Too many times, we are bombarded with nonsensical pop-culture references that are supposed to represent plot and character development. That's why well loved spoof movies are few and far between.

Kaiju films have been lampooned forever, and, as described above, few are any good. The interesting thing about 'Death Kappa' is that while it was made in Japan, it has all the features of an American edit of a classic Kaiju film. Bad dubbing, special effects and incoherent plot points are only some of the aspects of 'Death Kappa' that are hamming it up.

In Japanese folklore, a Kappa is a mischievous goblin creature who happens to eat cucumbers (hence, Kappa Roll), and loves Sumo wrestling. This is all described in the beginning of the film by an American man with a Japanese name and accent. It sets the comedic tone for the film right off the bat.

'Death Kappa' tells the story of a Japanese pop-star who just couldn't hack it in the busy world of Tokyo, and moves back to the country to be with her one remaining family member, her grandmother. While taking the train back to her home town, the film is interjected with shots of  her grandmother walking with a basket of cucumbers and a group of rambunctious teenagers drinking and driving. Suddenly, out of a cliche, the grandmother is hit by the group of teenagers who speed off, and knock the remains of a petrified Kappa into the ocean (note: the "ocean" was represented by a fish tank).

The Kappa springs to life and dances around with the pop-star and her friends. All the while, a menacing creature is lurking on the beaches killing all in its wake. As the Kappa becomes friendly and dances to the star's music, a menacing figure is lurking around the corner. Are these two connected? What will happen to the Kappa and his friends? Where are the giant monster fights?!

Out of the last two questions presented only one matters:  giant monster fights. The film took the route of parodying two styles of Kaiju films: the family friendly and the classic monster vs monster. What I find to be the issue with 'Death Kappa' is that we are essentially given two separate movies that have to be judged as one. 'Death Kappa' is broken down into three parts: Family Film, Mad Scientist Film and Giant Monster Film. Each one handled differently in terms of what material is being poked fun at, but the jokes are just too forced and stale. From poorly written dialogue to cheesy computer effects, we're trying so hard to follow the story that the jokes are just pelted at us like a monkey throwing its shit.

It feels like the filmmakers really did have an appreciation for the giant monster movies of yesteryear, but with the face paced editing, it made the film feel too modern. The dubbing was atrocious, and it felt too much like the wooden acting was intentional. Sometimes it works, but mostly when the films weren't trying to be funny. The plus sides of 'Death Kappa' though are the costume and set design, which felt very much like a Kaiju film. Solid sculpting works on the monster bodysuits was a fine piece of eye candy, while your brain suffered through the plot.

At the end of the day though 'Death Kappa' is going to be a love it or hate it type of experience. There are a few laughs here or there, but I honestly felt like I was suffering through a lot of it. By the time the monster actually did make an appearance I had already checked out. It's not going to be remembered for anything other than a throwaway parody.

'Death Kappa' is available on Blu-Ray and DVD from Tokyo Shock.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Trash Bags

IMDB Page

Amazon Page

A Visual Schedule

Here's the selection of films we will be reviewing over the next several months.

First Row: SeedPeople, The Ladies Club, The Sender, Chained Heat, Sky Pirates, Death Machine, Night of the Scarecrow, Mutant.

Second Row: Prisoners of the Lost Universe, Angel, McGinsey's Island, Red Heat, Avenging Force, Unmasked Part 25, RawHead Rex.

Third Row: The Dirt Bike Kid, Fast Food, Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, SpellCaster, Vice Academy 2, The Brain.

 

First Row: Making Contact, The New Adventures of Pipi Longstocking, Night of the Demon, Ticks, Brain Damage, Silent Night Deadly Night Special (1-5).

Second Row: Damned River, The Kiss, Black Evil, Mortuary, Godzilla vs. Biollante, Carnosaur Special (1-3), The Deadly Spawn/Metamorphosis, Maniac Cop Special (1-3).

Third Row: Creepers, Bad Channels, Demon Wind, The Offspring, The Legend of Blood Castle, Head of the Family, Lifeforce, Murder in Space, China Girl, The Lightening Incident.

Fourth Row: The Manitour, Mirror Mirror, Rest in Pieces, Up From the Depths, Junior, Comin' At Ya!, The Boneyard, America, The Rejuvinator.

 

First Row: Terror on Tour.

Second Row: Cast a Deadly Spell, Balloon Farm.

Third Row: Uninvited, Evil Spirits, Survival Quest.

Fourth Row: Spookies, The Kindred, Blood Beach, Never Too Young to Die

 

Comment below with what titles you'd like to see us review on the show.